Magical Girl Lenneth
by Kyrie-the-leveller
Summary: Ren, a lazy politics student, must gather the Magical Valkyries, reawaken the einherjar and defeat the evil Kingdom of Niflheim, with the help of the Goddess Freya and the mysterious Russet Knight. This is a parody fic.
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: So I got this idea into my head and couldn't stop thinking of it, even while I was working on chapter 2 of my Strawberry Panic! Fic. So I decided to get it out of my system by writing it out. This isn't a serious fic, mainly just a parody of magical girl animes with a Valkyrie Profile theme.

Disclaimer: I don't own Valkyrie Profile. Any resemblance this fic has to any magical girl animes is purely intentional. Lawsuits will be laughed at.

Chapter 1

"So, what career did you have in mind Mr…?"

"Watnabe Ren" replied the man as he looked across the room at the career counsellor.

As the counsellor scribbled on the form in front of him with a pen Ren observed his surroundings. The room, like all rooms in St Gard's University was bland in appearance. A grey tiled floor with roughly painted white walls, light streaming in from the window broken by the wooden board which covered one of the 4 panes. The guidance counsellor himself was an aged man, hair receded to form a horseshoe shape with a red-patched bald spot, a look of boredom and resignation upon his creased face.

The counsellor looked up expectantly and Ren suddenly realised he was waiting for an answer to his question. Ren did not have to think long before he knew the answer.

"No idea." He replied.

A troubled look formed on the senior's face. "Well then, there must be something you can do. How are you with technology?"

"_Have you tried plugging it in?" the phone technician said._

"_Oh," replied Ren. "It's on now. Well, it took us a few hours, but we got there in the end, eh?"_

"How are you with cooking?"

_Ren looked at the customers with a feeling of self-satisfaction. He had been concerned about the quality of the cooking, an acrid smoke came from his curry, after he had finished preparing the sushi he could've sworn it was moving out of the corner of his eye, and the eggs and ham had turned green! He turned happily towards his manager, expecting praise._

"_What are you doing boy? Call an ambulance!"_

"_How come?" he had replied with confusion, "Is there an emergency?"_

"_These people are dying Watnabe!"_

"_You mean… those aren't tears of happiness?"_

"And that's how I lost my first job."

"Well, maybe you could be a taxi driver."

_Ren squinted through the rain-soaked windscreen. It was the day of his test and things were not going well. At the start he had accidentally reversed and nearly hit the instructor who had scolded him for nearly leaving without him. 5 minutes in and he had reached for the radio, the driving instructor told him to stop and so he did, as he hit the brakes the car behind him screeched to a halt, the cars behind it crashing into the rear. While they had exchanged contact details a downpore had started and now he couldn't see where he was going._

"_Hey, how do I start the… window… wiping… things?"_

"_Just carry on as if I weren't here" the instructor replied._

_So he wound the window down and stuck his head out, his silver-blue hair quickly becoming soaking wet as the wind blew rain against the side of the car with great force._

_When he finally parked up at their destination he wound the window back up and turned towards the instructor with apprehension._

"_I'm half-soaked boy!" the examiner had said._

"_So, you were half here then?" he had replied._

"…and after that my parents didn't have the money to pay for my resit." Ren concluded.

"Dear God man! Is there anything you _can_ do?"

Ren did not have to think long before he knew the answer.

"Fighters and RPGs." He replied.

"GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!"

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Ren slumped down at the kotatsu table in his dorm. His roommates, thankfully, were not here. He had waited too long before trying to find a roommate the previous year and by the time he got around to it all his friends had already made arrangements. On the deadline he had returned to the accommodation office in despair and found Benjirach trying to persuade the female secretary to be his roommate. He had made several lecherous comments about the 'benefits' of being his roommate and soon the woman called security and had him dragged outside. He spoke with him and after some persuasion convinced him to give up on his dream of 2 hot, loose female roommates and convinced him to join up with him as well. By the end of the day they still hadn't found a third person to join up with them but Ren's best friend Lucian had called his mobile and explained his previous roommates had let him down.

Benjirach was simply annoying, but Lucian was too damn successful. Lucian was well on his way to becoming a doctor and Ren just couldn't bring himself to face him.

Ren pulled himself to his feet with a sigh and turned towards the mirror. "What do you want from life?" He asked his reflection. The grey-eyed silver-haired boy looked back at him with an apathetic look on his face. For 23 years he had had no aspirations, drifting through life without any wonder for what the next day might bring. After school he had drifted from one dead-end job to the next before finally taking up a degree in politics. In his usual fashion he had scraped through his classes, keeping his attendance at the mandatory 70% by sleeping through class or bribing his classmates to write his name on the register, scraping through tests narrowly by cramming frantically the night before his tests. Now he was in the last year of his studies and still couldn't see a future for himself. He stared again at the reflection in the mirror, maybe he should ask the blonde-haired green clad beauty who had just appeared out of thin air behind him?

Ren spun around in shock as he backed away from the woman who appeared to be floating in air with her legs crossed.

"I've finally found you. Lenneth." She spoke in a deliberate tone.

"Wh-what are you?" Ren spoke as he backed into the mirror behind him. The heavy mirror fell and would've smashed had the woman not teleported across the room and caught it with one hand as if it were a tissue.

"I am the Goddess Freya" She spoke as the mirror levitated back into position. "And you are a Valkyrie."


	2. Chapter 2

Author's note: I was originally planning to set the fic in America but changed my mind for a couple of reasons. First of all I don't know much about the American school system. Second, most magical girl animes are set in Japan anyway so it made a bit more sense.

Disclaimer: If I owned Valkyrie Profile I'd be paying someone to write this fic for me. But I don't.

Chapter 2

"I'm… Leonardo Di Caprio?"

_3 months later, Leonardo Di Caprio found himself on the set of Titanic 2. Having been raised from the dead as a zombie ninja, it was up to Jack to save the world from aliens. The main female role was played by Misato, his high-school crush who, upon learning of his identity, had followed him into the acting career. The romance scene was just about to start and they drew close for the kiss…_

"The lead actor for Valkyrie was Tom Cruise!" Freya stated bluntly, breaking Ren out of his fantasy. "And when I said you're a Valkyrie I mean you're a battle-maiden!"

"A-are you implying I'm a virgin or questioning my masculinity?" He replied, still alarmed by the presence of the intruder. He could tell just from looking that the beautiful woman before him had enough power to level the entire university if she so wished. Her mere presence made him tremble.

"Are you saying you aren't a virgin?" she replied sharply, an alarmed but stern look on her face. Ren found himself so afraid he couldn't even reply. "Well, there's one way to know for sure."

The blonde goddess raised her hand towards him and light suddenly enveloped him. A pale silk dress with golden tassels appeared on his body. Blue armour with gold trimming shaped to fit a woman's body materialised on his torso, with matching metal boots, a sword with a winged hilt appearing at his waist. Finally a feathered helmet appeared on top of his head and the transformation was complete.

Ren screamed in shock at the ridiculous reflection he could see in the mirror before him, still held casually in the woman's hand, or at least he would have, except the tight armour was cutting off his breathing.

"Yes..." the Goddess spoke, "…Valkyries must be maidens, if that were not the case you wouldn't have transformed just now. But this form is truly hideous, I will kill you now and release your true form."

Ren wondered briefly if 'kill you' was a metaphor for something pleasant but his survival instinct kicked in as the woman suddenly launched balls of energy at him from her hands. The force of the blast blew the room to pieces, launching him from the third floor of the student apartments and onto the roof of the nearby clothes store. He tumbled across the roof, his view of the world spinning as he rolled, until he crashed into the roof access door on the other side of the rooftop, his skirt becoming tangled around his head. The transvestite pulled the skirt down from his head to see than he wasn't in fact badly injured, and that he was in fact wearing a pair of white panties.

He looked back towards the apartment complex. A full moon shone in the sky behind the building ominously. The silhouette of the Goddess was floating through the moonlight, out of the smouldering crater where his room had been and with a start, hurried to his feet and tried the door behind him, only to find it was locked.

"Just hold still, this will be over with in only a few moments." She called out behind him.

Ren drew the sword at his waist in desperation as he turned to face her.

"I don't see what you're making such a fuss about. I'm giving you the chance to be an immortal Goddess, serving Lord Odin with holy power. The process of materializing your soul will only take 6 months and then you will fight for the glory of Asgard."

"I have little enough time to study already without spending it fighting for some Greek god…"

"Norse-"

"And don't get me wrong" Ren replied, "I love women, I just don't want to _be_ one!"

"So, you don't remember who you are then Lenneth?" the woman replied in her same even tone, though he could now detect a hint of hostility in her voice.

"Of course! That's what I've been trying to tell you! I won't be of any use to you at all!" He replied, though, strangely he felt like he had just lost what little hope he still had.

"Well then…" she replied, energy balls forming in her hands, malice now clearly evident in her tone. "That makes this so much easier for me."

She drew her hands back as she prepared to throw the deadly projectiles and Ren raised the sword in his hands in a desperate attempt to defend himself. Suddenly the energy balls dissipated and Freya stared off towards the city center. For several moments Ren could hear only the sound of police sirens approaching their position and hoped fervently that they would come and save him.

Suddenly the Goddess disappeared from his sight, appearing instantly beside him with a chiming noise, leaving ripples in the air. Ren found himself travelling through time and space for an instant that lasted less than a second before his feet found concrete beneath them. Looking around he realised he realised he was in a nearby shopping district. People ran past screaming and as he turned to the direction they were running from his eyes were met with a terrible sight. A dragon stood 10 metres tall, rotting flesh hanging from its bones, tattered wings spread wide in the air around it, green smog seeping from its diseased jaws.

"What the hell is that?" he spoke, unable to raise his voice as the armour continued to restrict his chest.

"That is what we call a 'weird soul'" Freya spoke behind him.

Ren span on the spot into a defensive stance as the goddess raised a slender eyebrow towards him.

"I was not expecting the force of Niflheim to attack so soon. I will spare your life for now so long as you serve obediently. Now go and purify that weird soul."

"Why don't you do it?" He replied, "You're clearly more powerful and knowledgeable than a mere politics student."

"If I destroy the demon its soul will return to Niflheim where it will be summoned again to plague Midgard, only a Valkyrie can purify its soul and return it to the cycle of rebirth."

"What?"

"Kill the monster or feel my wrath!"

Ren didn't need any more encouragement, it was clear to him which dragon was the more fearsome and so he turned back to face the rotting colossus.

As he began to approach a purple haired woman suddenly appeared out of the air before him.

"You're not looking your usual glamorous self Lenneth, why don't you let me help you shed that mortal shell?" She spoke, purple lightning appearing in her hand.

"Ah, not another one!" He sighed as he prepared to defend himself.

Before the newcomer could strike Freya materialised out of the air behind her, swinging her leg down in a concrete shattering kick that missed as the dark messenger teleported several metres away.

"I'll take care of Garm, you purify the dragon." She commanded.

As the two Goddesses clashed Ren rushed forward to face the dragon. It didn't appear to have killed anyone, but a young girl was trapped beneath its rotting claws.

"Let her go!" He yelled as he rushed forward. The dragon swung its spiked tail like a whip, crashing against his sword and forcing him back. It drew its tail back and continued to jab at him with its tail, each strike coming dangerously close to impaling him, each slam he deflected sending chunks of concrete and dust flying up into the air around him. Ren found himself moving faster than he knew he was capable of, tapping into some kind of sealed power and skill that enabled him to survive the blows no human should be able to survive. But he found himself being worn down more and more with each of its strikes, the green mist it was forming around it making his head spin with nausea.

"What are you doing human? Even with the power of the Valkyrie you cannot defeat it alone, summon your einherjar!" The blonde Goddess called out across the ruined square.

"Ein-what?"

"Don't tell me you don't have any einherjar!"

It suddenly dawned on Ren how utterly screwed he was. The dragon brought the claw forward that wasn't pinning its hostage and slammed it down on the student, pinning him beneath it's great weight as it brought its spiked tale around for the finishing blow.

_So, I'm about to die am I?_ He thought. _I've completely wasted all my time. It's not as if I never had any opportunities, I just couldn't motivate myself to take any of them._

The deadly spike flew through the air towards his heart and he knew even the armour he was wearing wouldn't save him. He could see the girl trapped and crying beneath its claws. She looked about 16, the same age as his sister he thought. _I want to save her. How cruel that I've finally found something that can move me and I can't do anything!_

Suddenly a bolt of lightning struck the dragon, causing its tail to stop and its claw to come lose as it roared in pain. Ren rolled to his feet and looked towards the source to see a man stood upon a nearby lamppost. He was tall with blonde hair, clad in red armour. He tried to make out his face but mysteriously found it impossible to focus, as if there were some magic protecting his identity.

"I am Russet Knight!" The man announced. "Protecting the innocent and my fair Valkyrie. Now Lenneth, purify the spirit with thy holy magic!"

The battle-maiden turned to the young girl, "I think he means you."

"Nay fair lady I am referring to thee!"

"Who, me? I'm not Lenneth I'm-"

"Do not tell them your identity foolish human!" Freya commanded. "I am using my magic to conceal your true identity but if they find out I will have no choice but to remove you from your mortal coil and rematerialize you as a Valkyrie, even if the forces of Niflheim run amok upon Midgard for a few months!"

_Ren looked at the screen. The options were 'attack', 'defend', 'magic', 'run'._

"_As tempted as I am to run, I'll choose magic."_

'_Lightning' 'Fire' 'Water' 'Purify'. Ren picked 'Purify' and his character did a little spell casting animation and a golden cross appeared on the dragon. The dragon disappeared and Ren got 37,000 exp points and 421,000 Yen. Ren reached lvl 17._

"Except this is reality, how the hell am I supposed to make it go away?"

"Fear not Lenneth Valkyrie, look inside thyself and thou will find the way!" The red knight spoke.

_What have I got to lose?_ He thought. Ren instinctively moved his left hand in front of him and a blue spear of light formed.

"It shall be engraved upon your soul! Nibelung Valesti!" He called out as he flung the divine spear at the beast. It roared in pain as the projectile tore through it and dissipated into a cloud of black smog.

"It's been fun Freya, but we'll have to finish this another time, I must report to my master." The purple haired woman spoke before disappearing into the night.

Ren hurried towards the fallen girl and helped her to her feet. "Are you ok?" he asked.

"What…" she began to speak.

"Yes?"

"What are you, some kind of transvestite?"

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"Lord Lezard" Ailyth spoke, "The plan has-"

"Failed, yes." The dark lord of Niflheim spoke. "Not only was the servant I lent you defeated, but it was also purified. There aren't many beings capable of doing that. Which one was it?"

"Lenneth, my lord." The hound-maiden replied.

"My love, you have finally awoken…" He sighed. After a brief pause he addressed her again, "you are to bring her to me in her mortal form. If she is slain her spirit will return to Asgard and that will complicate things. Fail me and I will not slay you, no matter how pitifully you lament you shall not die, you will be hated, scorned, punished and obliterated forever."

"I understand, my lord." She spoke without a hint of fear in her voice. Garm was not capable of such a thing.

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Ren awoke as usual at 7am in his room as Lucian's alarm clock went off, and as usual he ignored it, waiting for Lucian's inevitable wake-up kick that would force him out of bed. After a few minutes he realised the kick had not come, and that the alarm had not gone off. He pulled the covers from over his head and looked at the clock to see it was 6:45am. He pulled himself out of bed and began to gather his clothes, how surprised Lucian would be to see that he was awake before him! He would get dressed and showered now, and be ready when that alarm went off to kick Lucian out of bed for a change.

As he crept towards the bathroom he tried to remember the dream he had had. He had dreamt of Goddesses, of demons and of magical girls. He felt relieved that none of it was real, but a part of him felt disappointed as well. Even if none of it was real, he had felt needed and useful for a while. As Ren approached the mirror he was startled as he caught sight of a beautiful silver-haired woman staring back at him.

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Lucian groaned as he woke up. As usual he was awake 15 minutes before his alarm went off, but not one to stray from the rules he stayed in bed anyway. He had a strange dream where he had helped a silver-haired magic girl save Tokyo. After they had defeated a monster she had passed out and he had carried her back to his dorm room. With how his body was aching he felt like he really had been fighting monsters.

He could hear someone creeping around behind him, he peered through his eyelashes to see Benjirach hanging half out of bed, a trail of drool soaking his pillow. _That must be Ren then, how strange for him to be awake so early. He must be planning to kick me when the alarm goes off, when he does I'll be prepared, I'll dodge the kick and hit the bastard in the stomach. He should be grateful I even bother with him. He won't surprise me!_

After a few minutes he was surprised indeed as a high-pitched scream came from the bathroom.

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Author's note: I don't have anything against transvestite by the way.


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